CRACKED
by DarkAuroran
Summary: Comedy from Konoha! KakaIru based stories that are designed to make you giggle and just have no place in my regular fics. Ch3: It's April Fools Day and that can mean nothing but trouble. Fruity trouble!
1. Crack Open Another Bottle

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I did have to untie Kotetsu though.**

**Comedy from Konoha! The crazy things our favourite Jounin and Chuunin get up to, starring Iruka and Kakashi**

**All the stories from this series are inspired by the rabid plot bunny from the ninth level of hell I've come to call 'Twitch' because the only warning I get before he suddenly attacks my ankles is a slight twitch of the ears. Then it's just all teeth and demands *Sigh***

**My wonderful editor is Meuin. She is the grammar nazi from hell and I love her for it!**

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**CRACK OPEN ANOTHER BOTTLE!**

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to- Oi! Don't throw shit at me!" Izumo yelled angrily as he was bombarded with dip soaked corn chips, empty bottles and a rather sorry looking napkin.

"This is a funeral ya moron, not a fucking wedding! 'Dearly beloved' my sweet arse," snorted Kotetsu as the rest of those lazing drunkenly around the lounge room laughed uproariously.

Izumo plucked a chip from his hair crunching it aggressively while glaring at his long-term friend and often mission partner. "It's my eulogy and I'll say whatever the hell I please. I didn't throw crap at you when you were speaking."

"I didn't sound like I was trying to marry off a dead man."

The black haired Chuunin threw another corn chip which Izumo caught mid air in his mouth and cockily munched. It was quite an impressive move considering how much the bandanna wearing shinobi had drunk that night. The effect was mildly ruined because of the tomato salsa streaked across his cheek however.

"My eulogy," he grumbled again. "Just shut up and try to be respectful for once in your life, idiot. This is for Iruka."

Kotetsu just snorted again and downed another cup of sake. Flicking some crumbs from his black funeral clothes and clearing his throat, Izumo started again.

"Dearly beloved," a challenging glare was aimed at the spiky haired Chuunin but Kotetsu just rolled his eyes and didn't interrupt. "We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our dear friend, Umino Iruka. Iruka was a wonderful teacher, a good man, and a supportive friend. He was also the little shit bag from hell as a Gennin!"

A loud cheer and more rambunctious laughter greeted his statement. Izumo staggered slightly as he waved his arms around and called for silence. His lightly tanned skin sported two dark red patches high on his cheeks, showing just how drunk he really was. It truly was a miracle the man had managed to remain standing for that long, let alone be capable of any form of comprehensible speech. Finally, the laughter died down and the brown haired Chuunin could continue.

"Our darling Iruka-chan was such a cute kid, all wide calf eyes and toothy grins. But little did the upstanding citizens of Konoha suspect that the adorable orphan was really the devil incarnate of mischief."

"How the fuck can you use such big words when you've drunk four bottles," Anko suddenly yelled from the couch. "Wrap it up, pretty boy. We still gotta bury the dead."

Izumo stuck his tongue out at the purple haired kunoichi before frowning and squinting at her. "What're you doing here anyway? You're a Jounin!" he finished off pointing accusingly.

"Special Jounin, not full Jounin!" Anko screeched at him and threw a handful of popcorn. "Besides, you were all at my funeral so I get to go to yours! Now finish the hell up already!"

The men in the room had all covered their ears as their only fellow female 'mourner' valiantly attempted to shatter the windows with her voice alone. Anko could get remarkably shrill when drunk.

Iwashi started making shushing noises and stuffed a dango ball into the loud kunoichi's mouth to muffle any more noise. Luckily, Anko's obsession with the sticky treats prevented her from spitting it out and yelling some more.

"Quiet down," Iwashi hissed as the woman munched delightedly. "My neighbours will start complaining."

Kotetsu and Izumo looked confused for a moment.

"We're your neighbours," the black haired Chuunin stated, pointing between himself and Izumo.

"And you're about to start complaining, right?" Iwashi countered with his brilliant drunken logic.

The two other Chuunin glanced at each other before nodding seriously.

"Yeah," they intoned at the same time and Iwashi just gave them a look that clearly said 'well there ya go'.

Izumo shook his head to clear it, stumbled as his sense of balance decided to fly out with whatever else had been clouding his thoughts, and waved his arms around for everyone's attention.

"Anyway, I'll cut this short. He was a cute kid, demonic shit head, possessed the temper of a horny bull and the golden arse of a god!" he hefted his sake cup high and all those in the room did the same, much of the alcohol spilling to the floor. "A toast to my beloved friend Iruka. May that gorgeous behind of his rest in peace."

"To Iruka!" chorused around the room and cups were drained.

Finally, Izumo's brain decided that having legs was just too much trouble and he collapsed sideways onto his darkly blushing, pony-tailed friend.

"I'm gonna miss ya, Ru," he laughed and wrapped his arms around the man's shoulders, giving him a wet kiss on the cheek.

Iruka just kept laughing and hugged his friend back roughly.

"Good to know I'm going into the other world loved," Iruka laughed before hiccupping drunkenly and reaching for the sake bottle again.

"Well you did manage to piss off an entire room full of Jounin _and_ the Hatake Kakashi," Iwashi laughed and passed over a bowl of long cold pork dumplings.

"Yep," Kotetsu cackled happily. "You're fucked."

"Totally fucked!" Anko agreed happily and snagged another stick of dango.

"Ain't that the truth," Iruka sighed and popped a dumpling in his mouth before pulling a face and mumbling around his food. "Those really are disgusting when cold."

"Yeah, the food's done. Let's go bury the dead!" Izumo declared and all except Iruka cheered.

"Noo! I don't wanna be buried with the taste of cold dumping in my mouth."

"Easy fixed!" Anko whooped and pressed a bottle of sake to his lips.

More poured down his chin than what made it into his mouth but it was the thought that counted. The five shinobi staggered to their feet and stumbled from the apartment leaving a mess behind that would inevitably take Iwashi the entirety of the next hung-over morning to clean up.

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Three hours, numerous mud ball fights (their version of burying the dead), and countless bottles of sake later; Iruka was weaving his way through the streets of Konoha towards his apartment. He was _incredibly_ drunk, filthy, dripping wet, and missing quite a few of his clothes. He would have been much dirtier if he'd not lost his footing on the lake edge and fallen into the water; thus, his being completely soaked. At least it was still early autumn and the weather wasn't frigid.

His half-dressed appearance stemmed from his groups tradition that the dead needed to be buried naked. Iruka had barely managed to keep hold of his pants and singlet but the others had still managed to steal his leg wrappings, funeral shirt, shoes, and hair tie. Fortunately, he'd left his leaf hitai-ite at home that night before attending his 'funeral'. Even though he had managed to keep his singlet, it was in poor condition; large rips covered the mud splattered back fabric where Anko had tried to tear it off his body.

As Iruka deftly managed to avoid the evil light pole, which had suddenly sprung up in front of him, the roadside curb decided that this was the perfect opportunity to leap out and attack. The academy sensei lost his footing and was sent sprawling onto the road. He rolled to his back and lay there for a minute, staring up at the stars above, before starting to laugh quietly. Even completely inebriated he still had the sense not to make too much noise in a hidden village of ninja. They tended to throw pointy things when angry.

Rolling to his side, the happily intoxicated man managed to get onto his knees before attempting to stand. He failed spectacularly falling backwards into a sitting position, dark hair hanging around his face in dirty clumps. As he sat in the middle of the road and contemplated how incredibly difficult standing had suddenly become, Iruka noticed his arm was bleeding. How in the world had that happened?

_Oh yeah, the evil curb_.

He glared nastily at the bordering stretch of concrete quietly edging the road trying to look innocent.

"Mean. That was just mean," he grumbled at it darkly.

A muffled step sounded somewhere behind him and Iruka tried to snap his head around to look. The world decided to tilt drastically to the left. He groaned cradling his head carefully with his hands in case it should tumble off his shoulders and continue the journey home without him. Another stepping sound floated to his numbed ears and the dark haired man decided calling out might be a safer option than trying to look.

"Where who's?" he demanded of the dimly lit street before pausing and scrunching up his scarred nose confusedly. "No, wait a minute. That's not right," he muttered and frowned down at the road. "Not where who's. Doesn't make any sense. Who's where? No, not right either."

"I believe the words you're looking for are 'who's there' or perhaps 'who's that'," a deep voice spoke to him from close by.

Iruka looked up through his matted hair to see a tall, shadowed figure standing over him outlined by the street light. He squinted to try and focus his eyes and managed to pick out enough distinguishing features to recognise who this person was. Tilted hitai-ite, black mask, poufy silver hair, and slouched posture. Of all the people he had to run into on his way home, it just _had _to be Hatake Kakashi. That was plain unfair. He fixed the Jounin with hazy brown eyes and pouted.

"I can't die yet. I can still taste the dumplings. I don't wanna die with the dumpling taste in my mouth. You're early!" he glared accusingly at where he assumed the older man's eye to be before his gaze dropped and he frowned darkly at Kakashi's vest pockets as if the situation were entirely their fault.

"How does dumplings and your apparent death relate to each other?" came the rather confused enquiry from above. "Were the dumpling poisoned?"

Iruka continued to stare at the pockets. It was far too much effort to raise his eyes any higher.

"Um, no… well they might have been. Kotetsu cooked them and that's always bad. But Anko lied and then stole my shirt. I think Izumo used it to replace his bandanna after it got lost in the mud when Iwashi scored a goal. But then he stole my shoes to use as ammunition. I wonder if Kotetsu's still tied to that tree… hmm… Still Anko lied! Now it just tastes like soggy plum pork dumpling and not in a good way. I wonder if pork dumplings would go well with plum sauce… Hey, did you know there's eels in the lake?" Iruka finished his ramblings raising wide, expectant eyes to the man still hovering over him.

There was a long silence before the silver head shook slightly. The tall figure crouched down next to Iruka, moving away from the bright light so the intoxicated Chuunin could finally see the Copy-nin's exposed eye. It looked thoroughly confused. What was so confusing about there being eels in the lake? Either Kakashi knew there were or he didn't. Obviously, by the look the pale man was giving him, he didn't and Iruka had the urge to reassure him.

"There are," he stated earnestly, placing a comforting hand on the Jounin's shoulder. "Big ones."

The single grey eye crinkled slightly and a half gloved hand rose to scratch at the back of the silver head.

"Okay, let's try something a bit simpler." Iruka thought he could hear amusement in the deep voice. "Why are you sitting in the middle of the road at two in the morning?"

"Because the curb attacked me," the inebriated man growled and glared angrily at the stretch of concrete. "It attacked me and then the road bit me," he held up his bleeding arm, "and then I think one of them stole my legs 'cause they're not working anymore. They're in cohorts!"

A chuckle came from behind the dark mask. "I think you mean cahoots."

"That too. Bastards."

Another chuckle drifted on the air. "Alright, back onto more serious topics. Why do you think you're going to die?"

At those words, Iruka remembered whom he was talking to and his shoulders slumped in defeat, his hand falling from the other's shoulder. He couldn't fight the famous Copy-ninja like this… he didn't even have his legs! The teacher's alcohol flushed face transformed into a vision of desperate misery. Large chocolate eyes looked directly into the single grey now watching him with surprised concern. Iruka had perfected the 'lost kicked puppy' look when he had been a young trickster. The real thing was by far more devastating, especially when he was sitting there flushed, wet, dirty, bleeding, in ripped clothes, and with his hair loose.

"This isn't fair. I suppose it'll hurt less like this," he sighed sadly and tried to smile but came out looking simply miserable. "Alcohol dulls pain, right? At least I made it through my funeral."

By this stage, the Jounin was looking very confused and more concerned. "Iruka-sensei, who do you think wants to hurt you?"

"You."

A silver eyebrow hiked up so high it disappeared beneath the headband. "Me?"

"Yeah, though I thought there'd be more," he muttered and looked around the deserted street. "Suppose you don't need them."

"What are you talking about?"

"I pissed off a room full of Jounin and challenged your authority. The guys decided that was the first nail in my coffin so we had my funeral tonight and now I'm just living on borrowed time," the teacher looked up at the stars again and sighed. "I always knew my students would be the death of me."

"Ok, that makes a little more sense. I just need to be clear on one thing though, you had your funeral tonight?"

"Yeah, that way I get to hear the eulogies, drink the alcohol, and eat the food. Except we had cold pork dumplings and that's just mean. Who would be so cruel to feed mourning people that? Kotetsu obviously," Iruka shook his head slowly so it didn't dislodge and land in the Jounin's lap. "Serves him right to be tied to the tree with a mud bra."

He glared at the Copy-nin when something that sounded suspiciously like a mutter of 'should have gotten him drunk earlier' reached his ears.

"I'm not drunk! Am just mildly tipsy is all. I have amazing powers of alcohol intolerance!" Iruka frowned and looked at the Jounin's vest again as the older man started laughing. "Wait, that's not right… What was- hey! Stop trying to distract me. I won't go down without a fight, Kakashi. Be easier if I had my legs though. Stupid curb. Are you in contorts with it too?" he growled up at the older man.

Kakashi just eye grinned at him. "No, I'm not in contorts or cahoots with the curb and road."

"Oh, well that's good then. They're not to be trusted," Iruka folded his hands in his lap and looked down at where they rested against his legs. "Hey! They're back!"

"I rescued them from the enemy for you," the Jounin at his side said, amusement clear, "as a peace offering."

"You did?" Iruka asked him, eyes wide in amazement. Kakashi nodded at him. "Wow, you really are good."

"So, can we move past the Chuunin nominations and be friends?"

The dark brow furrowed as the Chuunin mulled over Kakashi's words and apparent heroic deeds for a few silent moments.

"Yes."

"Good. Think you can walk now?" the Jounin asked him with a crinkle eyed smile.

Iruka snorted at him. "'course I can."

After two failed attempts, it was clear he couldn't. Kakashi just crouched there quietly as Iruka tried to regain his feet after initially shaking off the Jounin's offered assistance. Finally the intoxicated man realised he'd have to admit defeat without admitting defeat. But how did one do that with the Copy-nin who was renowned for his ability to look behind the underneath... or something like that? Ugh, these games were just too much trouble.

"I think I need help," he finally mumbled in a small voice. "They don't seem to be working yet."

A pale hand took hold of one of his dirty tanned ones and coaxed the Chuunin's arm over vest-clad shoulders. The shorter man was hauled awkwardly to his feet and had to rest against the solid body next to him while the ground gave a valiant imitation of the ocean during a storm. A solid arm wrapped around his waist and held him steady until the earth decided to stop moving.

"It would be easier if I just teleported us, but I think you need a walk to sober up." he spoke low next to a tanned ear and Iruka grunted his agreement, too inebriated to care about personal space.

He was glad Kakashi no longer wanted to kill him. He didn't really want to die with the taste of soggy dumplings in his mouth. Something about their earlier conversation was bothering him though and he suddenly realised what it was.

"Hey, I pissed you off at the nominations so why are _you_ giving _me_ a peace offering?" he asked, trying to point at each of them in turn but mucking up the order.

Kakashi just flashed his crinkly eye smile again and started them moving forwards. "So there are eels in the lake huh?"

"Yeah!" the drunk and easily distracted Chuunin grinned. "Big ones."

"How did you discover that tonight?"

"Anko tried to steal my pants."

A strange choking sound came from his current support and Iruka looked at the pale man curiously. "I think you might need to explain that a little more for me, Iruka."

"Hey, you didn't call me sensei," the tanned man accused.

"Well you didn't call me sensei earlier either."

Iruka cocked his head confusedly and squinted at the older man. "But, you're not my sensei."

"And you're not mine, so we're even."

That little revelation swam around in Iruka's brain along with the sake that had replaced his blood for the evening. "You," he pointed unsteadily at the silver haired Jounin, "make a very good point."

The older man just chuckled. "So, Anko tried to steal your pants?"

"Yeah, and I had to evade but the lake moved too close and I fell in. Then the eels tried to steal my pants but I got away from them too. Slimy bastards."

"Ok, so that explains why you're wet and muddy."

"Less muddy," Iruka corrected.

"Less muddy?"

"Yeah, cause the eels attacked and I jumped out of the lake and warned everyone and we all ran off screaming… except for Kotetsu. He's still tied to a tree," the heavily intoxicated man suddenly gasped. "Oh my God! The eels will get Ko! I have to go save him."

The staggering Chuunin was prevented from running off to rescue his spiky haired friend from a marauding gang of eels by Kakashi's firm grip on him.

"It's alright, Iruka. Kotetsu's safe from the eels," the Jounin soothed and the drunk man found himself pulled a little closer to the tall, solid frame.

Iruka looked worriedly into the exposed grey eye crinkled happily at him.

"Did someone rescue him already?" he asked in a small voice.

"Mmhmm, ANBU heard all about the eel king's heinous plot and saved Kotetsu from their evil, slimy clutches," Kakashi chuckled.

The muddy man just stared at the silver haired Jounin in absolute horror. "Oh my God! I have to save Ko from the ANBU!"

The pale man's limited expression turned confused again. "What? Why?"

The road chose that moment to try to bite him again but Kakashi was too quick for the horrible asphalt and managed to keep Iruka upright.

"Because they're gonna kill him! Ko peed on one!"

A moment's stunned silence followed that bit of information.

"Hagane Kotetsu urinated on an ANBU?" Kakashi asked carefully.

"Well yeah, that's why we had his funeral," Iruka scoffed before trying to move away again and stumbled. "That's why I have to save him."

The grip on him didn't loosen an iota. "He'll be fine. I promise. How did Kotetsu pee on an ANBU?"

"You really promise?"

"I really really promise," the voice was low and gentle and Iruka found himself leaning against the Jounin's steady frame again. The pale hand holding his wrist started to stroke fingers over his pulse point. It relaxed the inebriated Chuunin further. "Now, tell me the story."

"Well, Ko was on sentry duty and had to go to the toilet. There was no one around to cover his post so he decided to go off the side of the wall. He was all stealthy and ninja-like but there was an ANBU being more ninja-like below. It wasn't pretty… and quite smelly. Ko ended up in the hospital for a week thinking he was a twelve year old girl with a crush on Ibiki-san and a phobia of pudding."

The Jounin's laughter was low and long.

"It wasn't funny. The pudding was trying to eat him," Iruka adamantly defended his friend.

"I'm sure it was terrifying. Tell me more about this funeral ritual you and your friends have," amusement was still obvious in the older man's voice but Iruka was once more distracted by the request.

"Oh, well when one of us does something really stupid to piss off those of higher rank we figure we're gonna get torn apart pretty soon so we all get together and have a damn good time so they can enjoy their send off before actually getting sent off. We have food and sake and give our farewell speeches so they can enjoy it before it happens. Then we bury the dead. If it's winter we have a snow war, we had a mud war tonight. The dead's supposed to be buried naked but 'cause they're still alive it makes it kinda hard… unless you're Izumo and passed out."

"I see. That's quite a nice ritual actually," Kakashi commented lightly. "And it explains your appearance."

"Doesn't explain yours though."

"Huh?"

Iruka raised his hand not being held captive by Kakashi's grip and poked the Jounin's chest.

"You're muddy and wet too. What did you do? Did the eels try and get you too?"

A deep chuckle drifted from the masked throat. "No. I happened across a fallen angel tonight who'd had a rough evening so I helped him out and this is the result."

"Ah," the drunk man nodded solemnly like the story made perfect sense, which it might have in his head at that moment. "Not nice to leave you all muddy like that."

"Maa, it's worth it."

They walked in silence for a short while, Kakashi keeping a firm hold on his waist and stopping the road from trying to bite him again. It was nice to have some help getting home but the Jounin's assistance was still nagging at him. Kakashi had forgiven him awfully quickly. He was supposed to be beating the hell out of him, which was why he'd had to have his funeral that night. But the man had rescued his legs from the evil clutches of the curb as a peace offering then made sure he wasn't ambushed again. He was being very nice… unless…

He turned his head to squint contemplatively at the pale man's exposed eye.

"Hey, Kakashi?" an answering hum gave him leave to continue. "You're not trying to lull me into a false sense of insecurity, are you?"

There was an amused snort and the silver head shook slightly.

"If I was trying to lull you into a false sense of insecurity that would mean you feel secure already. Therefore by lulling you into a false sense of insecurity any insecurity you feel you'll know isn't real and you're actually very secure."

Iruka blinked, blinked again, and then decided that if he blinked one more time that statement might actually make sense. It didn't.

"You're non-sensible," he muttered confusedly.

"So I've been told," the Copy-nin gave him a smile before nodding towards a set of stairs. "Well, here we are."

The very confused man gazed at the door in front of him and frowned.

"This isn't my house."

"Nope, it's mine."

The frown deepened.

"Why are we at your house?"

"Well, considering how many times you've been attacked tonight I figured you could do with a bodyguard."

The frown turned into a glare.

"I'm a Chuunin," Iruka poked himself in the chest. "Me, Chuunin. I can defend myself."

"Aa, but what if the enemy steals your legs again? You'll be at a major disadvantage and in need of back-up."

The glare receded to a contemplative frown again.

"Hmm… You raise a violated point, my friend."

"They're the best kind," the Jounin chuckled.

The door was unlocked and the muddy man stepped over the landing. Kakashi flicked on the lights and Iruka looked down only to realise how incredibly filthy he really was.

"Holy mother of mayhem!"

"Yep, you're mess. C'mon, let's get your clothes off."

Now, for the normally respectable and upstanding sensei an order to take off his clothes would generally have him blushing and giving the asker a firm reprimand. However, in light of the weirdness that had already taken place that night and the copious amounts of alcohol he'd consumed the tall man's request did not seem all that out of the ordinary.

"Good idea," he grinned and started pulling off his ruined singlet.

"Definitely should have gotten him drunk sooner," came a low voiced mumble as the black material cleared his lank hair.

"Huh, say something?"

"Maa, nothing nothing," the Jounin chirped happily as the door swung closed behind them.


	2. A Crack in the Schedule

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I did donate the jar of peanut butter though.**

**AN: Please remember, folks, that each new chapter is a whole new story. This is not a continuation of Ch1's Crack Open Another Bottle. It is a tale unto itself. Full credit for this chapter being mistake free goes to my brilliant editor, Sal (aka: Meuin). She's fabulous and enjoys motivating me with a big stick!**

**Warning!! Shiny, cracky goodness ahead!**

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**A CRACK IN THE SCHEDULE!**

"This can't be right."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"This… can not be right."

"How is this even possible?"

"Has it ever happened before?"

"Never… not in the twenty years I've been working here it hasn't."

"But, what are we going to do?"

"We'll just have to-"

"They'll never accept them. They'll think we're being insulting!"

"But, what else can we do?"

Silence reigned over the mission room for a few minutes as the desk Chuunin looked disbelievingly at the scrolls outlining the day's missions.

"We, my friends, are fucked."

"Totally fucked."

"We're so fucked my unborn child just lost their virginity."

"… I'm not even going to touch that one. You need help, man."

"Shut up!"

"Oh, stop it you two. We've got bigger problems than his serious need for a psych evaluation. Though I encourage you to book one soon… very soon."

"Who needs a psych evaluation?"

All eyes in the room turned towards this new voice, fear evident in their facial expressions. As they sighted the tanned man with his trademark facial scar and high ponytail, they released a collective breath and relaxed again.

"Henteko-san here does," Izumo answered, jerking his thumb towards the hotly blushing man.

"He's already envisioning the loss of his unborn child's virginity," followed up Kotetsu with a snort.

Iruka blinked a few times then shook his head and dropped his bag next to his workstation. "I'm not even going to touch that one."

"Iruka-sensei, I was just-"

"Oh, shut up, Henteko-san! Iruka, we've got bigger problems," Iwashi gravely informed his newly arrived friend.

Instantly put on edge by his normally easygoing friend's tone, Iruka turned his attention to the group.

"What's going on?"

"We're all fucked is what's going on," Kotetsu vaguely answered him.

"Totally fucked," Izumo agreed solemnly as he clapped Iruka on the shoulder.

"Not a word out of you," Iwashi glared at Henteko just as the man opened his mouth.

The silenced man just let out a frustrated cry, flopped down in a chair, and let his head fall onto the desk with a loud bang. The other four Chuunin ignored him as mutterings of 'I'm never going to live this down' could be heard from his slumped body.

A dark brow lifted and Iruka regarded his friends with concern. "Ok, I'm gonna need to know why we're all fucked."

His three friends just pointed silently at the scrolls containing the day's mission information. Walking over and looking down at the parchments, the teacher scanned them quickly before his eyes widened in disbelief.

"This can't be right."

"We've already said that," Kotetsu sighed.

"Has this ever happened before?"

"We've already covered that too. Apparently not in the twenty years model-father-to-be over there has been working the mission desk," muttered Izumo, scratching at the back of his head.

There was a pause as Iruka digested the full meaning of what was about to befall them all. He raised serious, dark eyes to his fellow Chuunin and frowned.

"We're fucked."

"Yep," the other four men agreed simultaneously, Henteko's voice muffled against the desk.

"How in the hell can there be _no _missions for the Jounin?"

"Couldn't we just-"

"They'll just take it as an insult," Iruka absently interrupted Iwashi. "You know they refuse to accept any missions below A-rank unless the Hokage orders them."

Izumo instantly perked up. "Then why don't we get Tsunade-sama to order them?"

"It's her day off," Henteko muttered, finally raising his head. "She won't leave her sake for anything less than the Village burning to the ground."

"If the Jounin aren't kept occupied for the day that's a very real possibility," Kotetsu huffed. "But, future father of emo kid over there has a point. Tsunade-sama isn't going to help us out on this one. All day sake and gambling binge verses having to deal with whinging Jounin… we're on our own."

A moments silence hung heavy in the room before the four friends quietly came to the only course of action available to them. The only course of action that might save the village from a fate worse than another attack by Orochimaru and his legion of grumpy snakes… bored Jounin.

"Iruka," Iwashi walked over and placed his hand on the teacher's shoulder. "We need you."

"No one else can do this, Ru. You're the only one that even stands a ghost of a chance at not getting caught," Izumo implored him. "You know this village better than anyone else alive."

"I know. You don't even have to ask," answered the pony-tailed man grimly.

Kotetsu further mussed up his spiky black hair and looked out the window at the civilians walking by, children happily running in the sunny streets. Those poor, clueless fools had no idea of the potential destruction hanging over their heads.

"What the hell are you all talking about?" Henteko burst out angrily, waving his arms around. "How can Iruka-sensei do anything against the village's finest? He's a pre-Gennin teacher for Kami's sake. We should just evacuate all the civilians to the Hokage Mountain shelters and pray that by the time we come out tomorrow there're still some buildings standing."

"Who the hell gave you permission to breed?" Kotetsu snapped before turning his back on the flabbergasted Chuunin.

"Easy, Ko. Henteko-san doesn't know me like you guys do. It's not his fault he's out of the loop on this one." Iruka chided gently.

There was a moment's pause as the dark haired man took a deep breath, closed his eyes and concentrated. Henteko watched in confusion, the other three Chuunin knew that the seemingly mild mannered teacher was concocting a plan. And it was going to need to be a _grand_ plan. After a minute or so, the brown eyes opened again and Iruka fixed his friends with a stern gaze.

"Ok, I'm going to need all your chakra wire, blank tags, ink, a jar of peanut butter, a block of cheese, and as many shiny things as we can gather. Anything else I need I'll just have to grab on the run. In the mean time-"

"Rusty Kunai at sunset," Izumo grinned. "I'll do the rounds for donations."

"Food, lots of food," nodded Kotetsu.

"And dango," Iwashi added. "Nothing else will coax Anko away from your imminent demise. But what about Kakashi-san? He doesn't drink, eat with others, or have any weaknesses aside from those damn books and the next Icha Icha movie isn't even finished yet so we can't buy him off with tickets."

Iruka frowned over that. The rest of the Jounin they could placate, but Kakashi was more difficult. He didn't go in for the conventional 'placations'.

"I'll just have to think something up as I go along." He muttered worriedly.

Looking at the wall clock the pony-tailed Chuunin cracked his knuckles and flashed a mischievous grin. There was only fifteen minutes before they had to open the doors and it had been a long time since Iruka had had the opportunity to cut loose.

---

The mission room was full of shinobi waiting for their instructions. Jounin with Gennin teams were quickly shooed out the door for an exciting day of finding lost cats, weeding gardens, and the other menial tasks appointed to them to sharpen their skills. The Chuunin calmly accepted the C and B rank missions offered to them and were on their way. The Jounin were told to wait as patiently as possible as there was a delay in the A rank scrolls getting processed.

"Oi! How much longer are you gonna make us hang around?" Anko snapped impatiently at no one in particular. "I'm getting bored."

Izumo held up a placating hand as the Chuunin team he'd just assigned to a mission made their way out the door. "Not long now, Anko-san. Your scrolls should be here any… what the hell is that?" He finished looking out the window with surprise plastered all over his features.

"What the hell is what?" Muttered Genma without looking, too busy picking at his teeth with his ever present senbon.

Iwashi made his way to Izumo's side and looked out the window. "How peculiar." The Chuunin commented, injecting just the right amount of curiosity into his voice. "What ever it is it certainly is very… _shiny_."

A mild but still noticeable twitch passed through all the Jounin in the room.

"That is shiny." Kotetsu mused looking out the window with his two friends. "I'm not sure I've ever seen something shiny hanging from that tree before. I wonder what its doing there."

Anko leapt to her feet and stormed across the room. "Oh for dango's sake! What the hell are the three of you getting so caught up in- Oh!" She suddenly broke off as she spotted the sparkly object hanging from a tree beyond the mission room windows. "Oooh… pretty."

"Isn't it." Iwashi agreed with a mild smile. "The way it reflects all that light in little rainbow sparkles."

At his words and Anko's continued rapt attention, there was a general clutter of movement in the room before all the Jounin were standing before the windows. They stood in almost dazed silence as the Iwashi, Kotetsu, and Izumo slowly backed away and waited for the inevitable outcome. Jounin were fascinating creatures. Their elite level of skill and general insanity was coupled a singularly unexplainable phenomenon: their innate and almost obsessive curiosity with shiny things.

"What's it doing?"

"What is it?"

"Who put it there?"

"What's it made of?"

"I wanna touch it!"

"I saw it first! I get to touch it!" Anko snapped defensively and dashed over to yank open a window.

The kunoichi leapt out the window and ran to the tree. Genma's curiosity was obviously too much for him as he quickly followed which acted as the catalyst to get the other Jounin moving. Just as the majority of the Jounin had exited through the window to land on the sun warmed grass Anko reached up to touch the shiny hanging object. It looked like a large multi-faceted water drop suspended by a short length of wire.

"You're so pretty." She cooed almost lovingly at the decoration as she took hold and tugged to break its binding.

This proved to be a mistake. A rather spectacular mistake.

A large cloud of purple glittering gas suddenly exploded around Anko and the closest standing Jounin, including Genma, Aoba, and Tsume. Shrieks of surprise rose from the cloud of smoke as figures could be seen rapidly leaping out of it, but no further attack took place.

"What the hell was that?!" Tsume demanded viciously as the Inuzuka clan leader landed in a crouch on a near-by tree branch.

Aoba sneezed rather violently from his hiding place behind a training post and looked thoroughly disturbed as sparkles few from his mouth. "Oh that's just downright disturbing." He muttered before removing his glasses and running a hand through his hair to dislodge yet more sparkles.

Anko's horrified shriek rang around the clearing. "I crushed it! I crushed the pretty!"

Genma ignored all this in favour of staring in aghast at his own hand. It was purple. Very purple… and sparkly. He raised his eyes to take in the other shinobi around the clearing as the smoke rapidly dispersed in the wind. Everyone who had been caught in the blast was purple and sparkly. Their clothes remained unaffected but what ever had been in that smoke had seeped into their skin to dye them the most incredible girly-ass shade of purple.

"Somebody's gonna fucking die!" He exploded, his omnipresent senbon at serious risk of falling out.

Similar cries of wrath and outrage filled the grounds as others discovered themselves to be in a similar predicament. Back in the mission room four very quiet figures watched the commotion. Three had small, almost nostalgic, smiles and the fourth was looking rather pale and shocked.

"I-Iruka-sensei did _that_?" Henteko almost choked.

"Yup." Kotetsu replied sounding remarkably relaxed.

"I see he started easy on them." Iwashi chuckled quietly as Izumo snickered next to him.

"Well he just wants to distract them, not turn them homicidal. Though Genma sounds like he's ready to rip someone a new one." Kotetsu laughed as one of the Jounin started squirting another with a water jutsu to try to wash the dye and sparkles off. Naturally, they did not dislodge so easily.

"Why the fuck do I smell like beetroot?!" Tsume's cry of fury almost rattled the windows and the three Chuunin friends broke into much repressed fits of laughter. They had to keep it quiet because the last thing they wanted to do was attract the attention of a pissed off pack of sparkly purple Jounin.

Henteko just stood stupefied. "They're going to kill him." He whispered. "They're going to murder Iruka-sensei when they catch him."

"If they catch him." Izumo managed to choke out between smothered laugher. "He's a mighty hard bastard to catch when he wants to be and you can pretty much guarantee he wants to be today."

"But he's still a Chuunin. The Jounin are going to crucify him." Henteko hissed angrily. Even in his shocked state, he knew better than to do anything that might alert the Jounin that he knew something about their circumstances.

Iwashi just clapped the older Chuunin on the shoulder and grinned. "Trust us, Henteko-san, right now you should be more concerned for them than Iruka." He turned to his two still laughing friends. "You've got work to do. We'll cope with your absence."

"Right."

Izumo and Kotetsu dashed from the mission room to head into the downtown district of Konoha. There was a lot to organise.

---

All thoughts of missions had flown right out the heads of the Jounin as they tried desperately to get themselves back to a more human skin shade. Civilians and children alike had finally snapped out of their stupefied states and were completely incapacitated from acute bouts of uncontrollable laughter. Anko was crouched at the base of the tree bemoaning the remains of the sparkly pendent in her hands.

Genma had given up on using a water jutsu to try washing the accursed substance from his skin. Even a rather interesting foam jutsu had had no effect on the purple dye.

"When I track down who did this I'm going to introduce them to all the kids." He growled menacingly at his glittery hands.

"The kids?"

The senbon obsessed man turned towards Aoba at the question and blinked a few times at the sight. Aoba had sat his glasses on his dark hair and his face was completely purple except for two oblong patches surrounding his eyes. Any other time Genma would have laughed himself silly but at that moment he was only jealous Aoba still had some semblance of normal skin on show.

"The kids." He answered pulling out a rather heavy pack of senbon all tipped in different colours to indicate the specific kind of poison. "My pride and joy."

"Fuck your pride and Joy, brat." Tsume snapped. "I'm getting to this bastard first. Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

Slamming her palm to the ground there was an angry explosion of chakra smoke before her canine companion stood in its place.

"Kuromaru, I need you to… Oi!"

Kuromaru had spent the first few seconds staring wide-eyed at his pack leader before letting out an almost ear splitting howl and collapsing onto the ground in what could only be described as gleeful doggy laughter.

"Stop that! Stop that this instant!" Tsume yelled at the dog as he rolled on the grass.

The rest of the Jounin standing around could only watch the spectacle and cringe. It was not a proud moment for their rank. Eventually the dog managed to gain control over his mirth and stood once more on wobbly legs, small growly chuckles still escaping his throat.

"You're looking rather fetching today." The dog snickered. "Though I can't say I approve of the smell. Is that beetroot?"

Tsume actually growled and while the dog didn't exactly cower he did sober enough that his legs at least stopped trembling.

"If you're quite finished," the Inuzuka leader snarled, "sniff around, get the scent of the little _mongrel_ who did this, and we'll go castrate him."

"What if it's a woman?" One of the other Jounin asked as he scrubbed at his arms with some left over foam.

"THEN I'LL CASTRATE HER!!" Tsume exploded before smiling sweetly. "Do you have a problem with that?"

Every Jounin in the area enthusiastically shook their heads as did any remaining civilians before they decided to back away slowly and get on with their daily tasks. A furious, threatening, scary Tsume was quite normal… a smiling Tsume was down right terrifying and usually preluded mayhem. Kuromaru quickly started sniffing around the vicinity for any scent which might give him a clue as to who had turned his partner into a sparkly, purple, beetroot scented psychopath.

"Got it… I think." The dog muttered unsure.

"You think?" Anko sniffed at the ninkin, finally looking up from her lost sparkly.

"Well… I'm pretty sure but it's quite hard to tell with the other scents confusing things. If I didn't know better I'd say that the culprit has tried to mask any scent trail… but their method is rather unorthodox."

"Unorthodox?" Aoba asked.

"It smells good. Really, really good. But it's clear that it's a deliberately laid scent. I don't understand why they would try and cloak themselves with something that's so… delicious. It makes me _want_ to track."

"Who gives a fuck?" Tsume snapped. "You got the scent or not?"

Kuromaru gave the best attempt at a shrug that a dog can and nodded.

"Then let's go!" Genma yelled, pumping a fist in the air.

"Yosh!" Cheered the rest of the Jounin and the grassed area was cleared within a matter of seconds. The hunt had begun with Tsume astride her ninkin leading the way.

---

"The scent gets stronger here." Kuromaru slid to a halt and snuffed at the air. "Very strong and… and it smells like…"

Letting out an excited keen, suddenly the dog bolted forwards so fast Tsume tipped off him and landed flat on her back on the ground, feet up in the air.

"Woah," Genma leaned over her prone form, eyebrows raised and senbon slowly wiggling back and forth, "you okay?"

Tsume lay flat for a brief moment blinking up at the sky before she exploded in spectacular fashion. Her purple skin turned a deep shade of plum and Genma leaped backward as she flipped to her feet.

"What. The. FUCK!?"

She bolted after Kuromaru who had shot down an alleyway between two buildings.

"KUROMARUUU!!"

The other Jounin all blinked and cast nervous glances at each other before running after the wild plum coloured woman and her wayward canine. After all, the dog was still the best lead they had. They came to an abrupt halt, however, as the alleyway took a rather sharp turn and standing right around the corner was a stock still Tsume. Aoba only just managed not to crash into her through some rather nifty footwork…, which likely saved his balls that day.

"What the-"

Aoba's surprised question was cut off by Tsume's low curse.

"Goddamn son of a neko."

The gathered Jounin looked to where her eyes were glued and more than a few jaws dropped in disbelief. At the end of the alleyway was the largest stray cat they'd ever seen. The feline was the size of a medium dog and standing with back arched and claws out, hissing and growling furiously at the motionless ninkin. Its coat was a myriad of colours… that was the parts of its coat that they could see. The alley cat's entire back and tail had been liberally smeared in peanut butter and tied to its tail was a chunk of cheese.

Kuromaru could have been carved from stone. The poor dog was completely frozen in place. As advanced beyond normal dogs as the ninkin were, they still shared the same basic genetics and before him was the canine equivalent to a dream come true. A small, desperate, and revered keen rose from his dark throat before turning into a strained woof.

"Kuromaru, get a hold of yourself." Tsume spoke, interjecting as much authority into her voice as possible and stepped toward her companion.

At her movement the cat let out a furious hiss and took off running. It was as if someone lit a firecracker up the ninkin's arse. Kuromaru shot after the fleeing feline with a flurry of overexcited, ear splitting yips far too high-pitched for a dog of his size and stature. Tsume shot after her dog screaming curses and yelling at him to heed her commands and get his "fuzzy, flea-bitten hide back here."

---

Above all the commotion, hidden in the shadow of a window ledge, grinned a very satisfied clone. The plan had worked perfectly, time for the next phase: splitting them up into smaller groups. He held out his hand, a pebble clasped between finger and thumb, took careful aim, and let it fall. Less than a second after the pebble dropped the clone dispersed, carrying his memories back to the original working hard on the other side of the village.

---

Due to the rather unusual spectacle they'd just witnessed, it was entirely excusable that the group of Jounin did not notice something as discrete as a pebble coming right for them. It was also excusable that when said pebble impacted with the tip of Genma's senbon with a rather pretty _ping_ the Jounin flinched, much to his chagrin. Anko, however, did not excuse him.

She landed two solid blows on his arm. "Two for flinching."

"Harpy." He muttered sulkily and looked up to see where the wayward rock had come from. Dangling above them from an unassuming window ledge was another shiny object, this one done in a corkscrew design so it twisted gently in the wind. Genma couldn't help the automatic twitch in his fingers as they longed to touch, but the day's events had at least instilled a sense of caution in the elite. "It's a trap."

"Yep, but it could also contain some clue as to who's screwing with us."

Nobody moved.

"This is pathetic!" One Jounin suddenly yelled. "We're the village's finest! The elite! We're the mother-lovin' Jounin of fire country and we're all standing around in an alley too scared to touch a goddamn sparkly!" He glared at his comrades. "For shame."

"Go on then, oh brave warrior. Climb on up there and fetch that sparkly."

"Yeah, the rest of us pathetic cretins will huddle down here in fear."

The Jounin lifted his chin arrogantly and leapt onto the wall, sticking there with chakra. "Fine. Watch and learn, kiddies."

He stalked cautiously toward the calmly twirling ornament, keeping alert for any hint of a trap. There was nothing. He scanned with his eyes and chakra being careful not to get too close before he could ascertain it was completely safe. Once he was positive the decoration was safe he reached out and took hold, unhooking the thread holding it from the windowsill rather than snapping it just in case. Nothing happened.

"Ha!" He turned triumphantly to sneer down at his comrades below, most of whom were sporting very disappointed expressions at the lack of action. "I told you nothing would happ- AGGHHH!"

While the ornament had been perfectly safe, he'd failed to see the trap set in the windowsill. One moment the Jounin had been gloating, the next he was dangling from the windowsill upside-down tangled up tightly in a long rope and the twirling decoration once more twisting in the wind as it hung just below his head mockingly.

Everyone froze for a few moments as they took in the situation before collapsing in loud, hysterical laughter. Their mirth echoed throughout the alleyway and their slightly fluctuating chakra was just enough to set off the next trap.

The stone and wooden walls surrounding them suddenly wavered and blasts sounded all around, rainbows of colour shooting from the walls at head height. The Jounin reacted quickly, but once more were not quick enough. The shinobi broke and ran, leaping away from the colours exploding all around them. When they came to a stop, mostly lining the walls above the 'attack zone' it was to their horror that they discovered they'd been dyed again… this time their hair.

Looking around at the others, Aoba couldn't help but give a snort of amusement. There were three colours: the nastiest shade of lime imaginable, one hell of an obnoxious fuchsia, and orange. Reaching up and tugging a lock of his own hair into view he couldn't help but cringe. Orange. Goddamn orange. He let out a long sigh.

"Should've stayed in bed."

"Right! That's fucking it! We're splitting up into teams! Everyone with the same coloured hair forms a team and let's hunt down this bastard!" Anko bellowed.

"YOSH!" Was the general cry of consensus as the Jounin leapt for those dyed the same colour as them. Surprisingly enough they ended up split into fairly even teams. Genma couldn't help but scowl at this fact. It was too convenient.

"Someone's seriously screwing with us." He growled under his breath before turning to his new pink haired team and trying desperately not to acknowledge the fact that his hair was the same bile-inducing colour. "We need a pro tracker for this one. I'm going for reinforcements. You start the hunt and I'll meet up with you soon."

With that, Genma leapt onto the rooftop and dashed off toward the far end of the village.

"Alright maggots, let's move out!" Anko bellowed at the now teamed up Jounin, pumping her fist in the air.

"Oi, wait! What about me?" Demanded the Jounin still strung upside-down and looking like a purple sparkly decoration in the sunlight.

"You're one of the village's finest. An elite. You're a mother-lovin' Jounin of fire country." Anko grinned, more sharp teeth than smile. "I'm sure you'll get out of it in no time."

As the teams dashed off in different directions, one of the Jounin on Anko's team couldn't help but lean over and whisper to his lime haired compatriot, "Why the hell are we all following her orders? She's only a tokubetsu."

The other Jounin just looked at him as though he were crazy. "This is _Anko_ we're talking about here. Do you really want to try and order her around when she's this pissed off?" He hissed back.

"Good point."

---

"Kakashi-san! Open up!" Genma continued to hammer on the door with his fist. "Oi, Kakashi-san! I know you're in there, bastard. Open the damn door!"

He could feel the Copy-nin's chakra on the other side of the door and it was driving him mad that the Jounin wasn't answering his calls.

"Goddamnit Kakashi!" He thumped on the wood harder, kicking it in frustration. No matter how angry he was, though, he wasn't stupid enough to try to enter uninvited. Only one fool had ever tried that and it had blown up in his face… literally. "I know you're in there, asshole, I can feel you're chakra. Open the fuc-"

"Maa, you say you can feel my chakra but I've been standing behind you for the last few minutes and you're still giving all your attention to the door. I'm getting jealous, Genma."

After everything the tokubetsu Jounin had been through that day he felt he could be excused for jumping like an edgy rabbit before turning to glare at the masked man.

"You could have said something sooner, rather than letting me knock on your door like an idiot."

The single grey eye crinkled into a smile and the older man scratched at the back of his neck sheepishly. "To be honest it's taken me this long to get past the shock of your appearance."

The glare darkened. "Shut up. Look we need your help. We need your nose, actually your dogs noses as well if you don't mind." Genma's hands fisted angrily. "We're on the hunt."

"I see. On the hunt for what?"

"The one who did this of course!" The younger man yelled as he pointed at his hair and skin.

The elite-Jounin nodded. "Well I was about to go get a mission…"

"This is a mission!"

"Ahh, of course, of course. Well, I suppose I can help you out. Seeing as it's so important and all."

Genma resisted the urge to punch the un-dyed shinobi. He needed him. "Good, c'mon."

The multi-coloured sparkly man took to the rooftops and Kakashi watched him streak away in a fantastically bright blur before shrugging and following after. As they made their way to where the rest of Genma's team were, the silver haired shinobi felt he could be excused for slipping on a tile (regaining his balance immediately of course) when a large alley cat went streaking by below, covered in peanut butter, with the Inuzuka clan leader and her ninkin chasing after it at a furious pace. He'd always known it but watching as Tsume flew past in pursuit of Kuromaru, Kakashi was once more impressed by her extensive and creative use of swear words.

---

Sitting on a rooftop across from one of the buildings he had trapped earlier in the day, Iruka couldn't help but indulge in a chuckle. The cries of pure, furious frustration coming from within were like music to his ears. Sweet, sweet music. After the amount of trouble the Jounin caused in the Mission Room he felt he was fully justified in enjoying this beautiful moment. He knew what he had done was cruel. After all, it must have been every Jounin's dream to be in a room that had every inch of wall and ceiling covered in shiny, glittery, spinny ornaments. This was also precisely the reason they failed to detect the chakra-activated glyph he had painstakingly laid out on the floor with the thinnest wire he could get his hands on.

Although he had superb chakra control, Iruka didn't have as large reserves of it as the Jounin did. So instead, he used that immense supply of chakra (and their often frivolous use of it) against them. As he listened to the cries for help, the memories from one of his clones transferred back into him and he sprung into a tense crouch. Kakashi had joined the group!

"Shit." He growled under his breath.

The Copy-nin had taken longer to get involved than he'd thought, but then the man was always late. He quickly assessed his situation. The green group of Jounin were trapped and he figured it would take them another couple of hours before they managed to break free. The pink group were stalking the false trail he'd laid near the market strip and the orange group had decided to stop for a strategy planning lunch once they figured out that running around willy-nilly wasn't going to get them anywhere.

As for his physical condition, it wasn't looking too good. Most of his energy had been put into the use of clones. He'd had to use far more than usual that day, really pushing his limit, because of the difficulty level of his unofficial mission. His stores were running low and there were still a few hours until sundown. Now that Kakashi was with them though…

"Shit." He muttered again.

Flashing through hand signs, the Chuunin created two new clones and sent them out using up more of his preciously dwindling reserves. Riffling though the bag he'd hastily retrieved that morning, Iruka checked his supplies. There was still quite a bit of wire, half a jar of peanut butter, and a block of cheese for what he needed to do.

_Better to be pre-emptive than wait until I know it has to be done. _He decided before taking off toward the closest park.

---

"I see," Kakashi said as he looked around the tree Genma had brought him to near the Mission Room, "so Kuromaru picked up a scent here, followed it, and was then 'led astray' by that cat, eh?"

Leaning against the tree and glaring at some kids who had paused to stare and giggle at his bright visage, Genma looked like some kind of bizarre alien playing shinobi dress-up. "Yeah, the mutt was going on about how it was weird because it smelt really good and then after following the scent we came across that damn flea bag."

The Copy-nin looked up at the fat clouds floating above and sighed. "Well, let's see if I can't do better."

A Kunai was whipped out, his thumb nicked, and the weapon safely tucked back in its holster within the time it took to blink. Flashing through hand signs, the Jounin pressed his palm to the ground. "Kuchiyose no jutsu."

After a quick pop Pakkun was looking up at him curiously.

"Yo, Boss."

"Pakkun, I have an interesting job for you. It's one even Kuromaru had trouble with."

The little pug's nose twitched at that. "Pfft, that dog couldn't sniff out a tree in the forest. Leave it to me, Boss, I'll find what you need." The nin-kin lifted his head in pride, ready to prove himself.

Kakashi couldn't help but smile. Competing Pakkun against the Inuzuka hounds was one of the few things that got the pug truly motivated. He watched as his nin-kin sniffed around the tree, even using chakra to climb up and scent along the branch where the decoration had hung earlier, and the hollow where the dye bomb had been hidden.

"Damn that smells really, really good."

"Ignore that scent, it's the one that tricked the Inuzuka. Find another one to follow."

"I know." Was the growled response before the little black nose went back to snuffling. "Got it."

"Do you know who the scent belongs to?!" Demanded Genma, the man perking up excitedly.

For a reason the senbon obsessed ninja didn't understand, Pakkun gave a nervous glance at Kakashi before answering. "Well to be perfectly honest…" again the nin-kin looked at his master, "it smells a lot like-"

There was suddenly a loud, high-pitched screeching and a fuzzy brownish-orange ball came flying through the air to hit the pug square in the face. For one dramatic moment, it seemed as though time had frozen. Pakkun's eyes were massive as he stared at the equally stunned, frazzled looking squirrel that had a death grip on his whiskers. Even more amazingly (as impossible as it might seem) the squirrel had tied around its neck chunks of cheese smothered in peanut butter.

"Ch…" Pakkun almost yipped.

The squirrel chirped at him and looked around dazedly, as if it had no idea how it came to be latched onto a dog's face.

"Ch…"

"Damn." Kakashi muttered as his dog began to tremble in excitement and the squirrel chirped again, this time more nervously.

"Ch… CHEESY SQUIRREL!!"

The fuzzy rodent screeched in fright and shot away from the nin-kin at top speed. Pakkun was hot on its trail in less than a second, his high pitched, excited barking interspersed with cries of "SQUIRREL!! CHEESY SQUIRREL!!"

Genma watched as yet another ninja canine ran off and smacked a purple sparkly hand to his purple sparkly face before running it through his hot pink hair. Any second now, Kakashi would go chasing off after his canine and Genma would be back to square one. Unexpectedly, though, Kakashi simply chuckled and slipped his hands into his pockets.

"Well, at least he'll be entertained for the rest of the day. His brothers are going to be so jealous when they hear about this."

Lifting his head from his hand, the tokubetsu Jounin looked at the Copy-nin in surprise. Well, if the silver haired shinobi didn't want to go chasing after his dog he certainly wasn't going to argue.

"So, Kakashi-san, what's next?"

"Eh? Surely you've noticed?" Kakashi asked as his eye crinkled into the patented arch. At Genma's blank look he continued. "We're being watched and I'm not talking about the brats."

Casting his senses past the group of children and now staring stunned after the over excited nin-kin. At the edge of the park, he could sense it, that watchful gaze.

"Kakashi-san, let's go."

"Maa, if we must."

The two Jounin dashed toward the figure at blinding speed but just before they got there, it melted back into the shadows and they felt chakra being gathered. Genma was absolutely determined not to lose this new trail but just as he reached the area, they'd seen the figure there was only a pot plant present.

"Fucking bastard, a replacement jutsu! He can't have gotten far!" Quickly going through the necessary hand signs, Genma created three clones and sent them off to find the other teams. The hunt was on!

---

Contrary to popular belief, Iruka had never allowed his hiding places and escape tunnels to fall into disrepair. All hinges were kept carefully oiled and pathways clear. He may have reduced the number of pranks he pulled around the village, however there was no way he could give up his favourite past time completely. Besides, the academy sensei was sure that Ibiki really did enjoy it when he snuck into the T&I department and turned his office into a den of lava lamped, shag carpeted _looove_.

With his extensive network of escape routes and experience from using them, he had managed to evade the village's elite until sundown. As the sun began to sink below the horizon, Iruka couldn't take one more step. He was done, completely exhausted. He had run around the entire village evading Jounin left, right, and centre. It was unbelievably gruelling and likely wouldn't have been achievable for anyone else but himself.

Right at that moment Iruka had no idea which building he was on top of. All he knew was exhaustion. As soon as his back hit the brick wall of the stairwell entry and glittery, multi-coloured Jounin dropped down on him from the sky like angry falling stars he knew the game was over. It was all he had left in him to remain standing.

"I-Iruka-sensei?"

"Eh?"

"_Eeehhhh_?"

"The teacher?"

Iruka didn't know whether to be insulted or just laugh. Damn Jounin, of course no one of lesser rank could possibly do anything that would in any way even remotely undermine their awesomeness. Their arrogance was without rival.

"Iruka!" Anko's bellow broke the Jounin from their flabbergasted staring and the kunoichi ran at the lone Chuunin with fist raised. "You bastard!"

_Ah, _Iruka thought, _here it comes._

Closing his eyes, he turned his face to the side and waited for the strike.

"Hold on just a moment please, Anko-san."

Iruka's eyes snapped open at that voice. He was saved! Kotetsu stood just in front of him, Anko's fist caught in his hand, with Izumo by his side.

"Jounin-sama," Izumo addressed all those gathered on the roof top, "please don't attack Iruka-sensei for what he did today. He acted under orders."

A stunned blinking met this declaration, including Iruka. Anko pulled her hand from Kotetsu's and back off a step.

"Orders?" She demanded.

"Yes."

"Whose?"

"Whose do you think?" Kotetsu raised a dark eyebrow. "Anyhow, it's all by-the-by now. For being such wonderful sports and participating in today's frivolity we Chuunin have put together a surprise for you."

Aoba couldn't help but snort. "I think we've had enough surprises for today, boys."

"Damn right," growled Genma. "I'm more in the mood for revenge."

"Really?" Questioned Kotetsu with feigned confusion. "Even though we've reserved the Floating Lilly Onsen for all you men? With the lovely ladies all ready to scrub you squeaky clean with special ointments that will remove all that dye in your skin and hair?"

"And Ladies, the Four Leaves hotel has kindly reserved their hot springs for you, along with the excellent massage service they are famous for. All the necessary ointments are already there waiting for you." Grinned Izumo. "After you've been cleaned up and pampered the Rusty Kunai has a tab on the bar and kitchen especially for you all! Fully complimentary from your Chuunin comrades."

Both Chuunin bowed politely before saying together. "Thank you very much for your participation today."

The Jounin all stared at them in silence.

"Y-you really think-" Anko began angrily before being interrupted by a smiling Izumo.

"Ah, Anko-san, the chef at the Four Leaves has been trying some new dango recipes and has requested that you do a personal taste test for him this evening after you've bathed to your satisfaction. He is keen to have someone with as much experience as you advise him on the new flavours… all seven of them."

Anko visibly twitched. "Seven?" She asked as a little line of saliva ran from the corner of her mouth.

As Kotetsu smiled and opened his mouth to answer, Genma's temper got the better of him.

"You have got to be joking!" The tokubetsu yelled. "We're purple, sparkly, smell like beetroot and you're going to let him off just because of some dan-"

"Genma-san," Izumo interrupted in an almost sing song voice, "Murasaki-chan from the Floating Lilly has asked me to pass this along to you. You're her favourite apparently." The Chuunin stepped forward and presented Genma with an envelope.

As the senbon user took the envelope suspiciously, Kakashi came up and stood at his shoulder.

"Murasaki? As in 'purple'?" The Copy-nin asked with amusement dripping from his tone. "How ironically appropriate."

"Shut up." The younger man snapped and tore open the envelope, pulling out the contents.

Both Genma and Kakashi froze looking down at the small slip of paper held in the tokubetsu Jounin's hand.

"Oh my…" the silver haired man murmured.

Blushing so dark his purple skin almost turned black, Genma stuffed the paper in his pocket and cleared his throat unsteadily.

"Well, gents, we don't want to keep the ladies at the hot springs waiting. That just wouldn't be polite." Still blushing, Genma flashed a toothy grin. "Come along then!"

With that, he took off across the village so fast he was nothing but a sparkly blur against the fiery sky.

The other male Jounin did not dally for long. If what ever was on that message could get a rise out of the normally laid back, levelheaded Genma it must be good. As the men dashed off the women couldn't help but sigh and role their eyes.

"Typical," one of them muttered before focusing narrowed eyes back on Iruka. "The promise of a little skin and they forget their main objective."

"Actually there was quite a lot of skin promised. That and… well…" Kakashi chuckled sheepishly from his place at the edge of the group.

The women turned to him. "Why are you still here?"

"Yeah, aren't you going to run off and find yourself a nice time with the others?"

While the kunoichi took their frustrated questions for the other men out on the Copy-nin the two gate guards crept over to their exhausted friend.

"You okay, Ru? You look like hell." Izumo whispered worriedly.

Iruka tried to straighten up a bit from his slumped position but just didn't have the energy. "No time for that. Did you find something to bribe Kakashi-sensei with?"

The guilty look that passed between his friends was all the answer he needed.

"Shit."

"We're sorry. Look, you get out of here. We'll dist-"

"Oi! You two." The three Chuunin snapped their attention back to the group of Jounin. Anko was pointing at Kotetsu and Izumo, and all the women had a rather annoyed air about them. The Chuunin had to suppress shudders at those cold eyes. "You two will come with us. We have questions for you."

If the three friends had thought the women were scary before it was nothing compared to when they all smiled. Kotetsu and Izumo paled dramatically and backed up a step.

"Kakashi-san, we'll leave the teacher to you. We trust you'll keep your end of the bargain."

The silver haired man merely hummed, the single eye giving away nothing. However, at his simple confirmation, the women all turned their eyes on Iruka and their mouths lifted in feral grins.

"Then we'll leave him in your hands."

Kotetsu and Izumo stared at Iruka helplessly but the pony-tailed Chuunin just gave them a tired nod. The three of them knew they'd come to the end of their control over the situation.

"Kotetsu-kun, Izumo-kun," Kakashi spoke, his eyes trained solely on Iruka. "Please put in for leave for Iruka-sensei for the rest of the week when you get to work tomorrow."

The gate guards drew together in front of Iruka protectively without thought, but there was a gentle push to their backs and they heard their friend whisper "Go. He's still a comrade."

They'd all known the dangers of their self-appointed mission and that the day could have possibly ended like this. As Iruka said, Kakashi was a Konoha shinobi and would not cause any serious damage to a fellow soldier over something as trivial as some pranks. As two of the Chuunin were dragged off by the female Jounin, Iruka let out a sigh and his legs finally gave out from under him. Sliding down the wall he came to a seated position at Kakashi's feet, his back still supported by the bricks behind him, and head hanging almost drunkenly.

"What ever it is you're going to do in revenge you'd best be quick." He smirked up at the older man. "I reckon you've got about five minutes before I pass out."

Crouching down next to him, Kakashi simply gave him a smile and cocked his head to the side. "Oh? What a shame. For what I have planned, I'll need you to be quite well rested. You'll need your strength, all of it."

The smirk fell from the teachers face. "What did you promise them?"

Before Iruka could suck in a surprised breath, he had been hauled back to his feet and pinned against the bricks. One of Kakashi's legs forced its way between his thighs and the Jounin pressed bodily up against him. The Chuunin was about to demand an explanation but the chillingly intense focus of the single dark eye froze his tongue.

"I promised them I would push you so close to the edge of your sanity that you will beg… no, _scream_ for mercy." Kakashi's eyes narrowed and Iruka could feel all the blood drain from his face as his eyes widened with fear. "I promised them that by the time I'm finished you'll be rendered temporarily immobile and so senseless that you won't even be able to remember your own name." The taller man pressed against him more firmly and his face moved forward so he could whisper in the younger man's ear. "I promised them it will take you days to recover."

Iruka had to swallow past the nervous lump in his throat and fisted his hands, which were now trembling with more than just exhaustion. Had he truly misjudged the Copy-nin's character so horribly? He knew all Jounin were crazy and those that served in ANBU possessed a sadistic streak a mile wide… but Kakashi had always seemed so laid back and stable.

"Kakashi-sensei, I didn't harm anyone today. I promise any thing that was done to them is completely reversible without any side-effects." The Jounin pulled back again to look him in the face with eyebrow raised. "And as for Pakkun… well he looked like he was having fun and when I threw the squirrel I was aiming for his back, but… well, squirrels aren't the most aerodynamic of objects to throw and it kinda ended up on his face and… well dogs love cheese and the string was designed to break after about twenty minutes so he'll have gotten a treat and-"

"Iruka-sensei, you're babbling."

"Yeah, well… I'm just trying to point out that beating the hell out of me until I likely need to be hospitalised isn't really deserved." Iruka finished defensively and frowned as the man pinning him started to chuckle. He tried to shove the Jounin off but the man just pressed him into the bricks more firmly. "You may think this situation is funny, Kakashi-sensei, but for me…" he broke off what he was saying as an intense wave of fatigue washed over him and made his head spin. He slumped in the Jounin's hold even as it tightened to keep him upright, his head coming to rest on a vest padded shoulder.

"Don't get so worked up, Iruka-sensei, you're too tired to maintain a head full of steam at the moment. Maa, what a day of misunderstandings. Who ever said anything about hurting you?"

At the older man's casually spoken words, Iruka forced his head up and his eyes open. "What?"

"It would seem that you've taken my words the wrong way, just as the kunoichi did."

Before Iruka could fully muddle out the meaning behind Kakashi's words his mouth was taken in a soft, masked kiss. It was brief and the Chuunin was so shocked he simply froze in place as hidden lips brushed over his.

"I intend to keep my promise, Iruka-sensei. I will make you beg and scream for mercy, I will leave you senseless and mindless, and, if all goes to plan, you won't be able to remember anyone else's name except mine."

"Oh…" Iruka breathed almost inaudibly.

A loud yowling broke the silence between them as the large, peanut butter smeared alley cat went streaking across the roof with Kuromaru still in hot pursuit. The two shinobi watched as the nin-kin chased the cat right past them. The poor dog was panting and slobbering up a storm, his coat damp and matted with all manner of debris and filth. He had obviously been through one hell of a chase but the fanatical light in his eye was burning bright. The canine was alone, its owner obviously having given up the chase long ago likely in favour of a strong drink.

"Where the hell did you find that cat?" Kakashi asked in wonder. "That thing's a monster. To have evaded a nin-kin for so long… it's amazing. Kuromaru is going to be heartbroken if he doesn't catch it."

Iruka looked both sheepish and pleased. "Actually it's one that I ran into when on a mission to Snow country when I was a Gennin. The real thing was much worse."

The Copy-nin frowned. "Snow country? Real thing?"

"Ah… about that." Iruka grinned and made a hand sign. "Release."

Even as Kakashi felt a small amount of chakra return to the teacher's person, Iruka blacked out and slumped in his arms.

There was a moment of silence over the village before a tragic wailing howl that spoke of great loss split the night sky.

"Henge clone… you're a devious little bastard, Iruka." The Jounin grinned down delightedly at the sleeping Chuunin still pinned against the wall. "I think this might be love."

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**AN: Full credit for the transformation of Ibiki's office goes to Kita_the_Spaz who came up with the idea during one of our random conversations.**

**If you got a laugh out of this chapter please give me a review ^_^ As always I'd love it if you could paste in your favourite line. Mine was: **The Copy-nin had taken longer to get involved than he'd thought, but then the man was always late.


	3. Tis the season to be fruity

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. I did sell Iruka the stickers, though.

**AN: Hello there, my long lost readers. Or am I the long lost one? I do lose track of these things. Yes, I know it's been over a year since I've written and posted anything here and that's just terrible of me! For shame, Dark. For _shame_! So I'm back with a hit of comedy to lighten the mood. It's a quick on that I wrote for the KakaIru LiveJournal Community's April Fools Day Prompt Challenge and the delightful Vescas (our moddly mod of moddness) hit me with the prompt of Laundry Stains.**

**Seriously? _Laundry stains_? I never thought I'd get inspiration to write anything for that and then this happened... and I don't know _how_ O_o  
**

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**Tis the Season to be Fruity**

"I look like I killed a clown," mutters Kakashi, "messily."

"Yeah, well I look like I went on a good old fashioned massacre," snaps Anko and yanks angrily at her coat, scarlet and vermilion streaking its usual beige. "I haven't been this covered in red since I gutted a Forest of Death leech during my Chuunin exam."

Aoba chuckles and says, "That was pretty gory. My team could smell you coming from half a click away," as he pokes at a lime green smear on the leg of his uniform pants. "Made you easy to avoid."

"How was I supposed to know the damn thing'd just fed?" Anko grumps. "This is ridiculous. We look ridiculous!" she yells out to the Mission Room in general and there's muttering of agreement. There's not a shinobi to be seen that's not wandering around without bright splashes of paint or dye or whatever covering them. The village has never been so colourful. Autumn splendor's got shit on April Fools Day.

"It could be worse," Kakashi says as his eye curves into an amused arch, "we could be pink like Genma."

"It's not pink!" Genma snaps from where he's lying across a couch, arm draped over his eyes like a heat wearied princess. "It's salmon."

"There's only so many colours in a man's world, Genma, and salmon's not one of them," Kakashi says and Genma deigns to lift his arm high enough to fire a glare at Kakashi and his snickering friends.

"So do we know who's little prank this is?" Aoba asks and Anko immediately perks up, saying, "My money's on whoever's clean and I'm willing to lay high odds that person is Iruka."

"Yup," Kakashi's agrees," can't fault your reasoning there."

Asuma joins them, leaning on the wall and holding a cigarette between canary yellow fingers. "It's not like Iruka to repeat pranks, though. Didn't he do this one already, what, ten years ago?"

"Twelve," Anko says. "And it wasn't this large scale. He's not supposed to be on duty today but Iwashi-san called in sick so we're pretty sure he'll come in to cover the lag."

"And that's why we're sitting here waiting for him," Aoba adds.

Asuma takes a long drag on his cigarette and asks through a cloud of smoke, "Aren't the two of you living together now, Kakashi?" Kakashi hums his affirmation and Asuma says, "Then you should know if he'd been preparing for an assault of this scale."

"Not really," Kakashi says and scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "When we've got spare time at home we're usually planning arse-ults of a different nature."

Aoba and Asuma both groan at the terrible pun and Anko kicks at Kakashi's shin, saying, "I call beer tax for disturbing imagery."

"You'd watch if we let you."

"True," Anko agrees. "The disturbing imagery is for the boys."

"Then I owe them a drink and not you."

"_Stingy_!" Anko yells, likely because she hasn't yelled anything for at least five minutes and she's starting to suffer from withdrawal.

"Hey, this smells like kiwifruit," Aoba says, bent over and sniffing at his pants.

"How thrilling for you," Asuma says blandly.

"I'm not kidding, it smells exactly like kiwifruit. Come try it."

Asuma blanches. "I'm not going to 'try it'."

"Why not?" Aoba demands. "Just come and sniff my pants."

"No," Asuma snaps. "That's disgusting. Stop asking me to sniff your pants."

"'s not disgusting," Aoba mutters, sulky. "If your pants smelled like kiwifruit I'd sniff them."

"And then I'd punch you in the face," Asuma states and lifts his cigarette to his lips, pauses, frowns, very deliberately smells his yellow fingers, and transfers his cigarette to his other hand. "Sniff my finger," Asuma says, stretching his hand out to Aoba.

Aoba screws his face up and says, "Hell no."

"Seriously, smell it. It's banana."

"No way, I'm not smelling your finger until you sniff my pants."

"Oh my god!" Anko yells – she must have been getting close to her limit again – and glares at the two men. "Just smell each other at the same time."

Asuma and Aoba nod and Asuma bends down as Aoba takes hold of his wrist and lifts his hand to his nose.

"This is too fruity, even for me," Kakashi deadpans as he watches two fully grown and trained shinobi sniff at each other like curious dogs. "I weep for the future of our village."

"Hey!" Aoba exclaims and shoves Asuma's hand onto the green stain marring his pants. "Check it out."

They both lean over and sniff and Asuma grins, saying, "Fruit salad."

"I know, right!"

"Oh my god!" Anko yells again and Kakashi yawns to relieve the pressure in his ears. "My coat smells like cherry and pawpaw but you don't see me _gyah_!" she screeches as Asuma and Aoba grab hold of her coat and start trying to wrestle it off her.

Iruka walks in, then, and Kakashi's gratified to see that he's covered in a messy mix of purple and green. Anko's screaming, "Not for you! Not for you! Hey, that really does smell like kiwifru- _not for you_!" and it makes Iruka pause his steps and call out, "Oi, no hanky panky in the Mission Room. How many times do I have to tell you, Anko? C'mon."

"It's him, he's here!" Anko squawks and smacks Asuma and Aoba on their heads. "Focus, soldiers."

"The scent gets stronger if you scratch it," proclaims Aoba with much delight.

Iruka stops in front of them, frowning at the tangle of limbs they make. "What are you doing?"

Really, they're there to watch Iruka and see if he's the one responsible for covering every shinobi in the village in a rainbow of fruity scented paint. But it's not like they can tell Iruka that, it'd be breaching mission protocol; revealing the objective to an enemy. That doesn't mean they aren't fumbling for an explanation. By the time Iruka has raised an impatient eyebrow, Aoba manages to blurt out, "My pants smell like kiwifruit."

Asuma and Anko immediately jump in on the explanation, talking over each other and saying, "My finger smells like banana," and "I have a berry nice coat!"

"We're making fruit salad," Aoba finishes with a winning grin.

"Okay, first of all: beer tax for the terrible pun," Iruka says pointing at Anko and she whines into Aoba's pants where her nose is still smooshed. "And secondly," Iruka strips off a bandage from around his arm and tosses it to them, "grape for the mix."

"Yeahea!" Aoba crows and pounces on the bandage.

Iruka grins at Kakashi and Kakashi smiles back, eye curving into its patented arch.

"You look very fetching," Iruka says as he gives Kakashi the once over. "Nice to see you finally adding some colour to your wardrobe."

"Likewise, that green is most definitely your shade," Kakashi answers and Asuma groans from the floor, "Could you two be any more gay?"

"That depends," Kakashi says with a glint in his eye, "on whether if this stuff tastes as good as it smells." And he looks pointedly at the purple smear across Iruka's crotch.

"Someone lend me a rusty spoon, please. I want to dig my eyes out before they get started," Asuma calls to the room in general and is largely ignored as Anko yells, "I'm watching!" because she's been getting to yell a lot lately and sees no reason to stop a good thing.

"This does not taste like kiwifruit," Aoba says very solemnly, to which the general consensus is, "Eww."

Iruka decides that this is a good time to back away slowly and get to work. Asuma, Anko, and Aoba – Kakashi feels that there's something very telling in all their names start with A and makes a mental note for the future naming of his and Iruka's children (he's still sorting out the finer details of that particular jutsu and working up the courage to present it to Iruka) – manage to untangle themselves and go back to their watchful perches.

"Iruka's as messy as everyone else," Aoba says and Asuma hums his agreement.

Anko gives them a disparaging look and says, "He's not above pranking himself," in the exact same tone Kakashi once heard her say to a very drunk and amorous stone shinobi, "If you suck my friend's cock first I'll let you buy me a drink. Don't worry, sperm tastes like ice cream," and Kakashi doesn't know _why_ she's using that tone of voice but it's creeping him right out.

Asuma squints at Iruka and declares, "I don't think he did it."

"We'll never know if he did it unless he admits to it," Anko tells him and Asuma frowns, saying, "Then why the hell are we wasting time watching him?"

"Because," Anko says, smoothing out her stained coat primly, "there's no way I'm going out on mission looking like this."

Kakashi, Aoba, and Asuma all blink at her and Aoba mutters, "You really are a girl."

"No, I'm a woman and I have awesome boobs to prove it."

"Don't believe you, tangible evidence is required. You'll have to show me," Aoba says and Anko gives him the stink eye.

"Not for you," she says with a smile that's all sharp teeth and Aoba grumbles.

"Nothing good is for me today. Why can't I have nice things?"

Asuma lights himself another cigarette and stands. "Right, I'm off to do laundry."

"Laundry's for chumps," Kakashi says as Aoba wonders, "Will this stuff even wash out?"

"It'd better, or Tsunade-sama's going to tear someone a new one for causing the issue of replacement uniforms. It'll mess with her budget." And with that, Asuma wanders out of the Mission Room giving a lazy wave over his shoulder.

"I hope it washes out. How weird would it be going on missions like this, smelling kiwifruity fresh?" Aoba says and the others agree with a half-hearted, "Very."

Kakashi's not bothered. He's already covered his tracks well enough that no one will be able to pin this on him. He just wonders if Iruka's figured out why Kakashi's been stealing and hording his scratch'n'sniff stickers. From the little smirk Iruka sends his way, Kakashi figures he's been made. But that's alright; Iruka's the one that kept bringing home bulk packets of smelly stickers and not getting angry at Kakashi when he pilfered them.

~The end~

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**AN: As a point of interest, I've written more stories than what I post to this site. I'm under the same name - DarkAuroran - over at LiveJournal and my master fic post has a list of all the stories and locations.**


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